Dr Nyanhaz’s model of tolerance

#Seriesofloverelationships❤️

Throughout my engagement with couples, i have noted that there are people who struggle with tolerating their partner’s behaviour no matter how big or small the act is. They would always say “I cant help it…” , “I cant deal with this…” or “I cant get it out of my mind”. My focus today is not on how big or small the act is, but rather helping you to understand that some of these behaviours can be tolerated for the benefit of maintaining the relationship. Remember, in my last post i said tolerance can be learnt, all you need is a willingness and desire to learn how to. In this post, i will take you through my model of tolerance. It includes 4 critical points which you need to understand and practice. When you practice these, you will begin to learn how to tolerate your partner’s minor mistakes. Lets get started ⚒

Understand that it is a mistake and view it as such

The exercise in the last post was encouraging you to assess whether the act was done intentionally or unintentionally. A mistake is an error, or an act performed incorrectly. Now, if it is an error, it is never intentional. There maybe various reasons attached to it but being intentional is not one of them. For some reason many partners view minor mistakes as an intentional mistake. They say that’s how they feel about it! But the moment we interpret an unintentional act as an intentional one, trouble begins! Our actions are a reflection of what is in our hearts so the more you have negative thoughts towards your partner’s acts, the more you begin to hate him/her and acts of love towards them begin to decrease. I have engaged with couples who argued consistently about issues such as forgetfulness🤦🏾‍♂️, cooking/food🍲, children🧒, who can be given money 💵, dressing 👗👖, TV 📺, WhatsApp status, bringing visitors home without notice🏡 … the list is endless. Now, how you define major or minor maybe different but the point is, if it is an unintentional act, view it as such! This is the first step towards the solution and it will make it easier for you to process.

Practice Empathy

After understanding that it is an error, you need to practice empathy. Empathy in a relationship is the ability to put yourself in your partner’s position. Meaning that just for a moment, you are able to jump out of your opinion and views and say “If it was me…🤔.” Now i know that this is a tricky one as many of you would say “If it was me….. I would do better, I would know better” again, the list will be endless….However if you are serious and really want to work on your tolerance, you can go further to say” if it was me with a demanding job i would also be forgetful, or if it was me with a mom asking for money i would probably also give her without thinking of consulting anyone. The moment you begin to practice empathy, you will realise that the act committed will not cause much hurtful feelings as it is causing you now. Try it!

Understand the impact!

The major question is”what does lack of tolerance cost us? Shall we divorce because she is not cooking the food the way you like? , shall we spend many days not talking to each other because he gave his mother his money without discussing with you first ? Or shall we fight and argue in front of children because he/she brought visitors without notice. Certainly NOT! As much as these little behaviours maybe irritating, they do not warrant a divorce or justify strain of the relationship. You have got to weigh and see how much you will loose over what! Am i saying the behaviors are okay? No. I am saying that when you tolerate you will begin to find ways to address them creatively and positively for the sake of maintain your relationship. Try it!

Do something positive about it

The previous post probed you to check what you can do to address the issue. You see, a love relationship is not like a relationship between colleagues at work. When you do something wrong at work your boss will tell you how to fix your mess and probably give you a deadline. In a love relationship, not only the person who did it should fix it but you as well because if you don’t, you equally lose something you both cherished-your relationship. So sometimes, instead of focusing much on convincing him to see the mistake or using negative behaviours to make her/him feel your anger, you just need to find something to do YOURSELF to contribute to the solution. If he is forgetful, how about sending a lovely reminder towards the time, If she can’t cook the way you want, how about a little surprise present with a recipe book in it. How about using the recipe book together to make it fun. If he gives his mother money without discussing with you, how about you assessing your in-laws’ needs and putting them on the budget or give the mother yourself before he does. These are just few examples but the bottom line is that when you begin to tolerate, and when you challenge yourself to take part in addressing the behavior, you will find much more positive ways to address it.

Try it and give Dr Nyanhaz feedback using the contact tab👍🏾