Dealing with ex-partners can be difficult, especially when you want to start or be in another committed relationship. An ex-partner you had a child or children with cannot be ignored because they will remain an essential part of their lives forever. Starting another relationship without putting a plan in place to deal with your ex-partner can lead you to frustration. Whether you are on good terms or not, children will remain part of their father or mother’s life even after divorce or break-up. The question I hear often is, how can I deal with my ex without affecting my new relationship? Let’s look at what you can do to maintain the children’s connection with their parents without affecting your new relationship.
Move from intimate relationship to working relationship
Some people struggle with their ex-partners because the relationship after separation or divorce was never defined. It moves back and forth all the time, which tends to affect your commitment to a new relationship or, instead, cause problems between you and your new partner. Even though you will remain co-parents, your relationship should shift from being personal to being a working one or rather business-like, which means that you and your ex-partner’s relationship should be all about the child or children, nothing else. In other words, you are no longer connected by emotions, love or previous experience. The only thing left that connects you two is the child or children. So what does the working relationship look like?
A working or business-like relationship should not have assumptions; your expectations should be laid out clearly. While some people go through courts to formalise things like child custody etc., you can also lay everything clearly or have a written document so that there are no assumptions. If you don’t prefer writing down, let the agreement be clear to both of you. Things like when to make a call to the children, where to meet the children, what contribution will be made towards the children and how should be clear. If you assume things, they will end up calling or showing up at the wrong times, which may cause problems for you and your partner.
Take a look at some of the tips below:
- Avoid emotional and personal involvement. Being emotionally involved in your ex’s life causes emotional confusion. It may lead you to commit emotional infidelity to your new partner. Unless you share important news about the children, you don’t need to share personal things with your ex. This will cause problems for you in your new relationship.
- Try to formalise and structure your meetings and interactions. In a working or business relationship, you don’t show up without an agenda. Every discussion interaction you do should have a purpose so that you don’t divert and end up talking about something else that could send you back to wanting to connect emotionally.
- Work together with your new partner and maintain open communication about what is happening with the children and your ex. Where your new partner is willing, involve them in the decisions made about visiting times, calling times etc.
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Dr Nyanhaz 