Can cheating be forgiven💔?

So, you have cheated on your partner and things have gone really bad. You are wondering if you will be forgiven. Maybe your partner cheated on you and you have been wondering if things will ever go back to normal. You are wondering if you will be able to forgive and move on. One of the most difficult decisions to make is choosing between either keeping or breaking the marriage after infidelity. In this post we will be looking at infidelity or cheating in particular, simply because it is one of the issues that most people find difficult to process and forgive. I know that some people have already made the decision to leave, some have left the marriage and moved on already . If you are reading this post and you feel like going back is impossible, do not despair… keep reading maybe this will help you in your next relationship. If you are reading this post and you have not made any decision, you are not sure what to do and how to process it, you are still in the marriage but not sure if there’s hope. This post is for you… because i will explain further on how you can process this bit by bit. Yes its not easy, but as long as you work through it together… There is hope!

Is cheating a big deal?

In my last post titled “i cant tolerate his/her behaviour” , I explained the need for tolerance for our partners’ minor mistakes. I acknowledged that there are some of the behaviors that cannot be tolerated. Cheating is one of them! Why? Because tolerance works with behaviours that you can let pass due to understanding differences. Cheating is not a minor mistake. Its beyond differences, I have heard many people say… “oh it was just for a moment, or it didn’t mean much to me, or it didn’t change the love i have towards my partner”. NO! When you have an extramarital affair, nomatter how you justify it, just know that to the one you have cheated on, it is confirmation that the love you have towards your him/her is divided, it is a break of a promise, it affects emotions and reciprocity of love, it affects your sex life in marriage, it changes the way he or she perceive you and it may bring sexually transmitted diseases and much more. Most of all, infidelity is actually one of the most common causes of divorce.

How do you process infidelity after deciding to stay?

Yes, that is the question always, the HOW part is always difficult. One thing to note is that processing infidelity is not easy and there is no ‘one size fits all’ solution for everyone. It is important to acknowledge that it happens differently to different people, therefore we process it differently. Just as someone grieve the loss of a loved one, so does someone who has been cheated on. However, slightly different from a loss of loved one, in a relationship, the one who has cheated plays an important part; that is if both of you desire to work things out. While the one who was cheated on is busy processing feelings of hurt and deciding to stay in the marriage – the one who has cheated has to work on gaining back the trust. As the person who has cheated, you will need to take your partner through the journey of processing what you have done. If you have cheated, your actions after cheating will mostly determine the time frame of your partner processing and forgiving you. This is very important, because your actions either increase or decrease your partner’s anxieties around your infidelity. If you continue to present behaviours that seem like you are cheating, be warned… Forgiveness may never come! Your behavior after cheating should help your partner to work through it and gain back the trust, not the opposite. While you may benefit from professional help, see to do list below. These are some of the things that can help to gain back the lost trust.

To do list for the one who has cheated

Acknowledge what you have done and ask forgiveness

Accept that there will be questions and answer them

Engage in constant communication to let your partner know where you are all the time

Minimise coming home late, if you have no choice, explain prior to the event

Allow complete access to your phone

Provide phone, email, facebook, in fact all passwords to your partner

Understand triggers-dont be found on the same spots you were going when you were cheating

Do not expect rushed forgiveness, understand that it takes time

Appreciate your partner more and more even if she/he seems not be be seeing that you are trying your best. Your efforts will be noticed.

If this was helpful please like and comment , you can also comment anonymously. Watch out for my next post where i will be explaining the to do list in detail😊