8 things to do after cheating on your partner

Restoration of a relationship after infidelity is possible but not easy. The hurtful feelings caused by cheating do not vanish just after saying “sorry”. The apology should be followed by acts/behaviors that gives assurance to your partner that cheating will not happen again. From the previous post titled can cheating be forgiven, i discussed how cheating affects relationships. While i acknowledge that it might take time for people to process the feelings of hurt, there are some behaviors that can make it easier to deal with this pain. See the following 8 behaviors explained below and try to practice these to help your partner to process the feelings of hurt.

1. Acknowledge what you have done and ask for forgiveness.

APOLOGIZE! APOLOGIZE! The words “i am sorry” are very powerful, especially if you really mean what you are saying and if you do not repeat the same mistake again. Even if it seems as if your apology is not wanted or noticed, just apologise. I have worked with some people who would try to justify the their cheating or blame it on another partner. This will not get you anywhere. This is not the time to nurse your ego! If you do not apologise or try to justify it, it simply means you are not recognizing how much you have hurt your partner. You might also be showing that you don’t care about your relationship breaking down. Remember two wrongs do not make a right, so keep all the reasons to yourself and apologize. Let your partner know that you understand how much this has hurt him/her and you want to make things right.

2. Accept that there will be questions and answer them

Yes, give an explanation… a true one! There are always reasons behind any act. Your partner would want an explanation of why you cheated. Even if you do not have any valid reason, maybe you just didn’t think carefully before doing it, you need to say it “i was just being stupid, i really don’t have a reason why i did this”. However, here you need to be careful not to give reasons that justify your act. Provide a reason that is directed to you and your error. Try not to start your sentence with” You” for example “You were giving me a cold shoulder, that’s why i cheated”. That’s a bad move! Rather say “i failed to properly deal with the challenges of our marriage, i should have done better” Here is a tip.. In some cases you might feel that your partner’s behavior drove you to do this. Even if you feel that way and you think even a lay man from the street will understand why you cheated. DO NOT ADDRESS THIS YOURSELF, it will look like you are justifying your act and you are not acknowledging that you were wrong. Rather look for professional help and this professional person (marriage counselor or psychologist) will address this for you. If you do this yourself it will be like pouring fuel on fire and forgiveness may never come.

3. Engage in constant communication (let your partner know where you are all the time, minimize coming home late)

We all know that communication in a marriage is like water to a growing seed. Even when you don’t have any problems, communication keeps you and your partner connected. If you have cheated on your partner and you want to make things work, you need to communicate more and more. Why? Because after cheating, every behavior you do in or outside the house may be interpreted as connected to cheating. If you keep quite he might think you are thinking about that person you cheated with. If you come back from work in a happy mood, she might think that you are coming from seeing that person again. This is normal on the side of your partner especially when she/he never expected this from you. So how do you deal with this? Adopt a habit of communicating what you are doing and why you are doing it, where you are and why you are there. This sounds as if its too much but its not. With most couples i worked with, it felt as if its too much during the first days but those who kept on doing it eventually enjoyed it and made it a culture in their relationship. As time goes on, your partner begins to understand that whatever you are doing is not connected to cheating

4. Allow complete access to your phone and provide all passwords (email, Facebook, etc)

Social media is one big contributor to relationship breakdown. The phone has become one of the most important and private thing for many people. Living an open life is one powerful tactic to avoid cheating again and to gain your partner’s trust. Extra marital affairs are done in secret so the assumption is that if you have nowhere to hide the information, you are less likely to continue cheating. Just imagine, you were hiding your phone when you were cheating and you are still hiding your phone after you said you will not cheat again. How do you expect your partner to believe you? If you are serious about wanting things to work out, you will not live in secrecy. If you do not allow access to your phone or give out passwords you are increasing feelings of anxiety for your partner because he/she doesn’t know what you are up to. Even if you are not hiding anything, how will she know? He/she can only know after checking your phone and not finding anything. You’ve got to allow complete access and your partner will have no reason to doubt you again!

5. Understand triggers-don’t be found on the same spots you were going when you were cheating

Why would you be seen in that same restaurant you always went when you were cheating? Or the same park… or the same area? Remember the idea is to behave in such a way that your partner will not think that you are continuing cheating. If you were caught having photos or messages of this person in your phone, don’t be always clinging to your phone. You need to understand triggers, anything connected to your cheating triggers the pain. Its like salt put on an open wound. It reminds your partner of your unfaithfulness so be aware, be alert and move away from these triggers. They delay your partner’s healing.

6. Do not expect rushed forgiveness, understand that it takes time

Sometimes it might feel as if you are not going anywhere because probably you have asked for forgiveness many times and after few weeks you don’t see any hope of being forgiven. Just remember that this is a process! People have different ways of processing their feelings of hurt. So what should give you hope? How do you see if what you are doing is working. If your partner is still living with you, even after you have cheated, that should be enough to give you hope. Keep doing good. All you need is to behave in such a way that does not remind him/her of your cheating. Keep working on it and take it one day at a time.

7. Appreciate your partner more and more

Nothing feels good as appreciation. The more you appreciate your partner, the more they feel that they are loved. Sometimes after infidelity, it may seem as if your appreciation is not appreciated but keep doing it. There is no good work that goes unnoticed. Find what your partner loves and capitalise on that. Let your partner know that you are doing this to make her feel better. Good and desired gifts softens the heart. The more the heart is softened the more it moves closer to total forgiveness

8. Seek professional help

Do not let people tell you that it doesn’t work. If you are serious about working things out and enjoying your relationship, seeking professional help is a beneficial thing to do. There are professionals who have helped couples to go through what you are going through. A professional will look at both sides objectively. They will have individual and joint sessions with you and your partner. They will understand both sides objectively. They will take you through the actual causes of infidelity and explore ways to work this out and prevent it from happening again. They will address some things that you cant address yourselves. Above all, you will have someone who will look at your behavior without judging you.

If this was helpful please like, comment and subscribe, you can also comment anonymously to engage or ask a question😊.