You have been cheated on, but you honestly do not know if there is hope, you do not know if they will cheat again. You want to give it a chance but you do not know if you’re not setting yourself up for more future heart breaks. Even if they are attempting to do their best, you do not know if this is genuine. You do not know if this will last. The truth is that this is a very difficult moment. It is very difficult to accept that you have been cheated on, however, a relationship is never one way no matter what! It is always reciprocal, meaning that it is always a give and take from both sides. As long as you are still in the relationship after cheating, you have a role to play. So, lets talk about what you should be doing on your part.
Do not make any decision while you are emotional
Most decisions made when one is emotional are usually the wrong ones. Why? Because they are informed by emotions not facts. The act of infidelity is heartbreaking and really affects one’s thinking. It is normal to feel like you are mourning, because indeed, something that you valued so much has been taken away from you however, do not make any decision regarding your relationship during this time. This is a very dangerous time to decide anything. Soon after realizing that a partner has cheated, some have committed murder, some have committed suicide, while some quickly decided to divorce. Many couples who made it after infidelity have looked back and thanked themselves for not making any decision quickly and irrationally. A decision to leave or stay in the marriage should be made with a sound mind.
Analyze the reasons for cheating objectively
We all agree that cheating is horrible and it negatively affects relationships. We all agree that two wrongs do not make a right, meaning that no matter what the reason could be, cheating will not solve the problem but rather contributes to the breakdown of the relationship. Having said that, today i want to draw your attention to some of the reasons for cheating. I agree that there are some people who cheat simply because of peer pressure from friends, cultural beliefs that multiple relationships are a sign bravery🙄 or just uncontrollable lust. However there are some reasons for cheating such as emotional needs not being met, lack of tolerance, feeling undermined, prolonged anger towards each other, revenge, unsatisfactory sex life etc. There are some people who go for weeks if not months not talking to each other. I have met couples who use sex as punishment.. “i will not agree to having sex unless he/she does this and that.” These are some of the issues causing infidelity. After you have been cheated, be honest with yourself and find out if your behavior did not contribute to the cheating. I am not talking about your partner blaming you for their actions, i am talking about you being true to yourself and checking if any of your behaviors contributed to your partner cheating. If you do this objectively you will have a starting point.
NB: Please note that after analyzing this objectively and if you find that you had no contribution to it, do not blame yourself. There is nothing you can do except for the cheater to address it and work on themselves if they choose to.
Take action… Address the reasons
Get me right here, i am not expecting that the day you realize that you have been cheated you be like “Babe i will do my part to make things work” No! that will be unrealistic. I agree that you need time to grieve and process this, however, you will eventually need to address the causes on your part. If you have objectively analysed and found that you slightly or greatly contributed to your partner’s cheating and you still want the relationship to work, you need to do something about it. There is no need to be proud. Yes, you are not the one who cheated but if you know that there is something you can do to prevent the same thing happening again in future, then do it
Do not disregard the efforts done by your partner to make you feel better
There are those people who have cheated and really regret what they have done. They are those who are honest and really want to work things out. I have seen some giving up because every act they do is disregarded. They end up losing hope, thinking that there is no point because they will always be judged according to their mistake. It is not very helpful to keep on disregarding every act they are doing to show you that they have changed. Some would go for 5 years still not accepting any gift or any act done by their partner to make them feel better. My question is ‘what are you still doing in this marriage? What is the point of staying in a marriage for 5 years and still showing signs that you do not want to work on it. Yes, in my last previous post i wrote about if cheating can be forgiven. I acknowledge the anxieties brought by cheating but if you have decided to stay in the relationship, you are totally different from the one who has decided to divorce.While the one who cheated is busy doing the things i mentioned in the previous post, the one who was cheated need NOT to disregard these acts but analyse and evaluate what they mean. If you have been cheated and you are still in that relationship it usually means that you think there is hope so there is no point in disregarding every act or effort done by your partner. Its a step by step process, complete forgiveness might not come there and there and its okay….. but as long as you both continue to do your parts, It will work out.
How do you see if you will experience the same heartbreak over and over again?
Unfortunately there are those who cheat and keep on cheating. There are those who never learn from their mistakes. But how do you see if you are in for a series of heartbreaks? If your partner has cheated and does some of the things listed below, immediately seek professional help otherwise you are not far from another cheating scandal!
-Never asks for forgiveness after cheating
-Thinks its not a big deal
-Does not empathize with you and probably thinks you are overreacting
-Lying about the incident
-Thinks that its a waste of time to address the problem
-Does not want to discuss and resolve the matter
-Does not take responsibility for their cheating, they blame it on you or on something else
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Dr Nyanhaz 
👌
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I was in a series of heartbreaks for years because he would cheat and cheat and cheat, I have lost count. At times I found out of the affairs but some went under the radar.
I got to a point were even when he apologised the apology was empty. He was not empathetic as I struggles with mental health instead he blames me for his behaviour. For years I believed him and he managed to crush my confidence. I felt unworthy, betrayed and violated. I became socially with drawn and distanced myself from my family & the world.
This worked well for him as he would do his shenanigans and go unpunished. I prayed to God to show me the way, one day light was shown to me, I picked out the broken pieces of my heart and began mending them. At this time I told myself if I did really contribute to his cheat, I will leave in regret but I had to make a move.
All this time I had been paying rentals, I had a child whom he was not maintaining but he was the father of the house. Literally I was a single parent while we lived in the sane house. What hurt me most, he would take my son to his girls friends imagine the confusion in an innocent soul.
This continued until a time he walked out of the family home to live with a girlfriend. It is at this point I went to God again and said, if I am wrong please show me now the right way before it’s too late. I continued in the family home with our son for 21 months, during this time family meeting were held he would say I love my wife & son but his actions pointed to something else. He declined to divorce at my request, it was a complicated situations but one day I decided, you know what I can’t live my life this way I have a son to look after I deserve to be happy.
I left the country went into our neighboring country and things have been good. I still feel horrible about what I went through but I am getting back to myself, gaining confidence and feelings of worth are developing.
To other women/men out there, if he/she cheats on you, decide whether you are in or out and act likewise. Do not stay in an emotionally abusive relationship for material things, social status or children. Your kids are better off with a single happy parent than bitter and aggressive parents, who are not even able to met their basic and emotional needs consistently.
Material possession can be replaced but you can’t be, value important thinks such as your happiness, kids above all your life. Social Status is just a term which in most cases is mistaken for happiness or good life. What is social status when your mental health, physical and spiritual status is on their knees?
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