Never marry before discussing these 8 important things!

Are you in a relationship and thinking of marriage? A marriage is a life time commitment, very different from a relationship without any commitment. Many people enter into marriage expecting to spend the rest of their life enjoying with their loved one. These dreams are sometimes shuttered when one realises that what they were expecting is not what is happening. When i worked with couples, i found myself dealing with more of marital problems than those seeking premarital counseling. Many people do not see the need for premarital counseling but i find it very valuable. It is one of the smartest ways to prevent divorce. It allows people to explore and know what they are getting themselves into when they marry. While marriage counseling is very important, prevention is always better than cure! I have realized that some of the problems encountered in marriage can be very much lessened if people had a chance to discuss critical issues before entering in a marriage commitment. While there are so many different issues one would think they are important to discuss before marriage, here are some that i find very important.

Children

Children are a blessing, however if issues around them are not managed properly, they may contribute to divorce or constant arguments in the marriage. Before getting married, what are the important issues to discuss around children? If both of you do not have children from previous relationships, discuss whether you both want to have children and how many. Many people are shocked after entering into a marriage and realise that their partner wants to have only one child yet their own picture of a family includes 3 or more children. Some do not want children at all. If both of you have children from previous relationships discuss whether you will be taking all these children and make one big family, staying together. If not, where will these children be staying, with who? Have you checked if those people are willing to stay with your children? If the children will not be staying with you, how will you maintain connection? Will you be visiting them or will they be visiting you and for how long. Will they be visiting separately or jointly. What are your expectations, i mean try to picture how your day will be like when these children visit. I have seen many problems arising in instances where couples entered into a marriage without the same understanding on issues around children and these contributed to constant arguments in their marriage. Also regarding children, there are issues of parenting styles, discuss what each of you consider as appropriate or good parenting style because differences in parenting styles may also cause arguments. If both of you are expecting to have children, discuss your feelings around infertility and how you will deal with it if it comes. Yes! what will you do if one or both of you is infertile and can not have children?

Faith/Religion

Faith or Religion is one aspect that every couple should never miss to discuss. Issues of faith are very delicate. Every religion has its own beliefs and everyone who follows a certain religion believes it is the best. Many people’s behaviors are shaped by their faith or religion. Even within the same religion such as Christianity, people still have different denominations to follow, which have different beliefs. Many people start a family with a vision of having children and letting them follow their religion. Some people think any faith base does not matter while some can not do without. If you have different religions, you need to take time to discuss various issues around this. Will you keep on having different religions or attending different churches after marriage? If so, whose religion will the children follow? How will you manage different belief systems in the home. If one of you does not believe in any religion. You still need to discuss if he will be comfortable spending the rest of his life with you engaging in your religion. You need to iron out all these issues before tying the knot.

Relative/family involvement

Some of the marriages have been destroyed by lack of boundaries in family involvement. Some its not lack of boundaries but misunderstandings around how much parents or family members should be involved. For some, problems arise around issues regarding how close the other partner is with their parents. Both of you need to enter into marriage knowing how much both of your parents and relatives will be involved in terms of decision making. You also need to understand each other’s backgrounds, some are breadwinners, coming from disadvantaged or poor families and are expected to support financially. Some are not breadwinners but financial contributions are just a requirement. Discuss and understand this before getting into marriage.

Expectations

Everyone enters into marriage with expectations and if these are not met, problems arise! Everyone has their own views regarding what a ‘good’ husband or wife is. Some have their views regarding what a wife or husband should or shouldn’t be doing. Most people’s expectations are usually shaped by their background,culture religion and beliefs. If these expectations are not met, disappointment comes. You do not want to spend the rest of your life disappointed, with someone expecting you to do what you cannot do. Ask what will your partner be expecting you to do. Can you meet those expectations? You need to know your partners expectations before deciding to commit to marrying them.

Goals

Discuss your goals together. Many people have left marriages because they felt that marriage shuttered their dreams. They entered into marriage not knowing the other person’s goals and later found out that they are both working towards different directions. It is best to discuss both your short and long-term family and personal goals and how you would want to achieve them.

Money

Finances are one of the biggest causes of divorce. People divorce not only because of lack of finaces but also mismanagement of it. For some, its not faliure to manage but misunderstanding on who owns what? For some its lack of transparency with money. Some couples have also constantly argued or divorced due to different thoughts around the means of acquiring finances. One might think its okay to acquire wealth through illegal deals while the other thinks its not. Some argue about household bills and some its about investments and savings. Some have entered into marriage only to realise their partner has been in a big debt that needs them to assist in paying. Discuss your priorities, discuss how you will manage your finances otherwise some of these challenges will follow you.

Picture your day to day life and discuss

Try to picture and discuss how your day to day life will be looking like when you get married. This will allow you to explore issues like house chores and responsibilities. All families are different, some couples are both working, some are entrepreneurs while some are not employed. Discuss this and do not let your day to day life come as a shock when you get married. Besides these, there are also issues such as caring for children etc. It is important to discuss this so that you know what lies ahead.

What can and cannot be tolerated

Because no one is perfect, tolerance is needed for any marriage to be sustained. Many marriages broke down due to lack of tolerance. One would get in a marriage, see some irritating behaviors and realise they cant tolerate it. Why not discuss this before entering into marriage. Both of you should let each know of what you can and cannot tolerate. Talk about what you think will be difficult for you to forgive. Talk about what could make you give up on the marriage or divorce. This is very important because your partner will know which behaviors you cannot tolerate and work around that even before marriage.

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