The secrets to successful re-marriage

The process of divorce is a horrible experience. Even if it’s handled in a civil manner, the truth is that no one commits to a marriage wishing to get out of it one day. Divorce negatively affects everyone involved however we still see it happening often because sometimes people feel they can’t go on. Most people have tried all they could and have decided that leaving is the best option. There is always life after divorce right? Most of the times people enter into another relationship just after divorce or before they process all that happened in the previous marriage. The major question is that after divorce, what does one need to do to be able to be ready for another marriage? You do not want to find yourself in the same situation you were in and this is exactly why I am writing this post for you. To prepare you so that you will not set yourself up for a series of heartbreaks.

Deal with the pain of divorce first

When you go through divorce there are a lot of emotions that come up and it wouldn’t be fair on you or your new partner to start a new relationship with negative feelings that came from the previous relationship. Just as someone grieve the death of a loved one, people ought to give themselves time to grieve the loss of a marriage. You spent some years hoping for the best, you had big dreams which you hoped to achieve with this person but unfortunately those wishes were shuttered. Though healing timeframe is different according to a person, you need it to process all these feelings and eventually heal from the pain caused by the past relationship. Your children also need time to process the pain of the past family set up. Some people leave marriage because the abuse perpetrated by the other partner extended to affect the children as well. This means that children will require counselling and time to process this. You and your children need to deal with these painful feelings and be prepared for a new family set up.

Never treat it as a second marriage

Yes! even if its a second marriage, treat it as the first one. I often hear many people saying “oh its just a second marriage” with a tone that suggests that whatever happens is welcomed. The moment we treat the second marriage like that we will be setting ourselves up for failure. I believe if you had time to heal, you should be able to pick yourself up and expect a much better relationship than the one you had before. One should have a mentality of wanting to make the best out of this marriage to cover for whatever did not go well in the previous marriage.

Find out why your new partner divorced

Establish what was the trigger for the divorce. Many people experience different challenges in their marriage but for those who divorced there is that one thing that was the final nail which caused the divorce. Before you commit to re-marrying, you need to know the actual reason why your new partner divorced. Whatever that is, it needs to be addressed before you commit to marrying this person. For example some people divorce because of violence. If they were violent towards their previous partner, there is nothing that can stop them from being violent towards you as well. If they divorced because of cheating, what makes you so sure that they wont do the same to you? I am not saying people don’t change but do you know if they changed? After the divorce, did they take time to reflect on what happened? Did they own up for their mistakes and probably think about how they could have handled the situation better? Did they engage in counselling to address this?

Engage in premarital counseling

As discussed above, do not take anything for granted because it is a second marriage and make sure you discover the real truth why your new partner divorced. Though I spoke about finding out what led to the divorce I noticed that many people do ask but they are not told the truth. For example someone whose marriage broke due to unfaithfulness will not say the truth, they will just shift the blame to another person. This has led many people to remarry without knowing the whole truth and end up in another divorce. This is why people need to engage in premarital counseling to address some hidden issues that are likely to cause problems in the new marriage. You need to engage in premarital counseling facilitated by someone professional and neutral. The professional counselor comes in with objective judgement and helps you to work on your issues before remarrying. Some people pretend or think they are ready to remarry yet their heart still has bruises from the previous marriage and might require more time or counselling to heal before getting in another marriage. Premarital counseling will help you explore these feelings and establish marriage readiness.

Take advantage of the ex’s short falls

Sounds sneaky but yep.. that’s another secret to successful re marriage. Its called the wisdom of marriage! From your partner or from the premarital counseling, you are able to gain knowledge of some of the behaviors that were done by your partner’s ex which frustrated them. Once you get this, be clever and work towards providing a positive experience to counter act these behaviors. What are we trying to achieve here? We want to provide an experience that does not make your partner think they made a mistake leaving their ex. We want them to think that divorce was painful but it brought a special blessing, YOU!. For example if your new partner was frustrated by not being appreciated. If you do the same then your partner will always wonder if they were supposed to remarry but if you take advantage and spoil them often, this will strengthen your bond and you will become one of the best things that happened in their life. So take advantage of that and strengthen your new marriage.

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