Daughter in-law’s guide to winning mom in-law’s heart!

Do you think your in laws are difficult? Does it feel like your in laws don’t like you? Or do you desire to have a good relationship with your future in laws? If your answer is yes, then this post if for you! Though husbands may also have problems with their in-laws, there are constant fights between daughters and mother in-laws. People are getting married with an expectation that there may never be a good relationship between them and their mother in law. The mother in-laws are also receiving daughter in laws with an expectation that she will bring problems. Having a good relationship with in-laws is most people’s desire but this is not happening in most marriages. Many people struggle to maintain good relationships with in-laws due to differences in beliefs, values or expectations. It is important for couples to try and maintain good relationships with in-laws because poor relations with in-laws have a tendency of affecting marriages. Bad in-law relationship usually causes unhappy marriages. Though mother in-laws should play their part in building a healthy relationship, this article looks at what daughter in-laws can to do to maintain good relations with mother in-laws.

Understand that they are your husband’s parent and that will never change

One thing that daughter in-laws need to do first is to accept that they are your husband’s father or mother and they will never be replaced. This will help you to adopt an attitude of looking for solutions rather than constant fights. It requires some form of empathy to try and put yourself in the shoes of your partner and say if it was my mother what would I do? Will I disregard her or I will find a way to work it out? This is a starting point to finding a solution to whatever you feel you don’t like about your mother in-law. If you don’t understand this you might spend the rest of your marriage life being frustrated because your partner’s mother will never be replaced by anyone. That means for as long as you are married to your husband, she will be your mother in law. Embrace that she is what she is and then go on to find ways to work on the relationship with love.

Answer their worries

It is natural for mothers to be are attached to their sons. When a man marries, they form another attachment with you because of the love relationship but that does not mean that the attachment with his mother will vanish just because he met you. Yes, when he grows up to the extent of marrying that means he can stand on his own but the love for his mother is still there. His mother’s love towards him is still there. Most of the times there is friction between daughters in laws and mother in laws because of expectations. Mother in laws are afraid that when their son marries, they will no longer receive whatever they used to receive in fullness. Many men used to spend more time with their mothers, spoil them and provide for the family before they married you. The mother in-law’s biggest fear is that you will take away all this, that’s why they hate or despise you. What do you need to do? I understand that things will be different because you and your husband have now formed your new family which requires your husband’s attention. This means that your mother in-law will get less of whatever she was getting from your husband because he has a new responsibility. However you need to find a way to balance between your new family and giving your mother in-law some kind of support. Never adopt the attitude of “I have my family and you have your own” rather let her see that you have concern not only for your immediate family but also for the whole family. Some of the things they used to receive from their son let them receive them from you. This way they will know you are not a threat. The moment they know you are not a threat, there wont be tension.

Do not impose your style

Never impose your style, many daughter in laws would say this is what I used to do at my home so I will continue to do that. It is best to learn the lifestyle of your in-laws before marriage but even if you did not get a chance to do that its never too late. Learn their lifestyle and try to adjust to their lifestyle especially when you visit their home. Remember these people had their system before you came so they will not be happy with you just wanting to impose your style because their son married you. Many mother in-laws are frustrated because you came and you wanted to make them change their way of living because you arrived. This create friction. For example, if they have their breakfast early in the morning, follow that! do not force changing their times to suit you. If you do this you are confirming that you came to disrupt their way of living.

Be an agent of change

This does not mean you impose your style but you use wisdom and address some things they never anticipated they will change in their family. In every family, there are problems or trends which people don’t want but they don’t know how to stop or change the situation. Identify those problems and take the lead in finding solutions. These solutions are not imposed but suggested. In many cases if you become a change agent through giving, no one will ever hate you for giving. Giving opens and softens the heart. If there are stagnant projects in the family and you have the finances give and change situations. If there is someone struggling with school fees and you have the finances, pay the school fees. Even if you don’t have much, suggest powerful ideas that will bring change. This does not mean you neglect your own but you need to show that you understand their pain and you are willing to work together with them to bring positive change.

Be genuine and honest about yourself and what you cannot do

There is a difference between pretending to be what you are not and learning new behaviors to adapt to the new family so don’t confuse the two. During the early days of marriage, many daughter in-laws pretend to be who they are not for the sake of pleasing parents in law. The bad thing is that pretended behavior does not last and the moment you start to show your true colors they begin to hate you because it will be seeming like you have changed your way of behaving. I am not saying you don’t learn new things but use wisdom and be clear on what you can learn and what you cant. You can learn a new way of preparing a certain dinner dish but you cannot engage in something that compromise your belief system. For example if you are a Christian and your Christian values does not allow being involved in other rituals, you need to be transparent and advise that you wont be able to do this. Do not wait for an argument to address this and do not wait for them to request you to attend the ritual because it will seem like you are being disrespectful. As long as you are consistent, you address it with love and are willing to learn other things, they will know you are not being disrespectful but you are just sticking to your belief system.

Maintain good relations with the immediate as well as extended family members

Especially in cultures that value extended family relations, you can not marry a man and say I only focus on my man. There is a saying that goes like ‘ if you marry an African man you marry the whole village’. This is a proverb which means that a daughter in-law will not only be attached to her husband but to the immediate as well as extended family. It is very important for a daughter in-law to have good relations with other family members such as the brothers and sisters of your husband. Some daughter in-laws engage in competition or arguments with brothers or sisters in-law. This is pure lack of wisdom because if you have good relations with these people they also fight your battles with other members who do not like you. This does not mean that you will be finding people to gang against your mother in law but the point is that if you are good with everybody else it compels her to see you differently.

Work together to address hot topics

I called them hot topics because it is not every petty issue that you should ask your husband to talk to his mother. That being said, if there are hot issues or constant attacks coming from your mother in law, NEVER EVER address it yourself! Never enter into an argument with her because the hatred will never end and some of the words won’t be interpreted correctly. This might cause your mother in-law to enter into a mission of destroying your marriage and you do not want that. So what do you need to do? Let your husband address it. Not that he should be rude to his mother but he should let his mother know that what she did is not only affect his wife but him as well. He needs to let his mother know that he desires this to be worked out because he loves you. Even though some mother in-law may be difficult in understanding, the fact that they now know their son is not happy with what they did may make them to change. No one wants to lose their son, so if mending relations with you makes helps them to maintain their relationship with their son, they may change. So do not argue, do not attack back but let your husband find a way to address constant attacks

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