Constant conflict and sex – learn 4 ways to promote intimacy in your marriage- Part 1

Affection and intimacy in a marriage are important. We all desire to keep the fire burning and to maintain affection. In fact, our spouses are the only ones we can share that kind of love with, they are the only ones we can be intimate with in that sense. Lack of intimacy and affection in a marriage is a sign of marital distress. Conflict is one thing that interferes with our affection and intimacy thereby affecting our sex life. Sex can make us feel happy, loved and desired but can we be lovey-dovey in the presence of constant conflict? Understanding how conflict affects affection in a marriage and taking steps to work on reducing conflict makes a positive difference in our sex life. So what can we do to ensure that our sex life is not affected by constant conflict?

1. Understand the ‘good mood good sex’ principle

Good sex is a result of being emotionally present. When someone is in a bad mood it’s hard to be emotionally present. Of course, there are so many things that could affect someone’s mood, including financial problems, health problems, family/children stress, work etc. While these things can cause someone to be in a bad mood, constant conflict tops the list, it sucks out affection, it is worse because it is like a war between the two of you. It comes with feelings of anger and resentment which are difficult to shake off during intimate times. With other issues, it might be easier to work together and help each other to be in the mood because they are stressors outside the feelings you have for each other. Understand this, constant conflict= more time spent in a bad mood =less sex/less satisfying sex. This means that it is important for you to minimise conflict so that your affection and intimacy is not affected.

2. Work on patterns of constant conflict before time

Do not wait for sexual desires to arise for you to begin talking about resolving conflict. While both of you are not thinking of having sex, make time to talk about patterns of constant conflict. That is analysing what is causing constant conflict. It could be past unresolved issues, behaviour issues etc, for example, some couples have been affected by infidelity, they haven’t dealt with it and yet still expects their sex life to be great. In many relationships where there is constant conflict, there are usually underlying factors causing negative attitudes and emotions. Come together and identify what’s causing prolonged conflict and find ways to resolve it. Sometimes you might not be able to have a solution right away but just coming together, identifying and brainstorming solutions sets you both in a better mood for sex. Why? because it creates a sense of hope that whatever one is worried about will be resolved. If you can’t get a solution right there, reach out and find a professional to help both of you to identify and deal with patterns of conflict in your marriage.

Watch out for part 2..

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