Are you wanting to be in a serious relationship? This is for you! Many times when I speak to people who are in relationships, one of their worries is that they can’t tell where their relationship is going. They are looking forward to marrying but they say it seems like a mountain to climb. They are in it but it’s not clear what it will be like tomorrow. This is why it’s important to prepare yourself when you are preparing to date. One thing for sure is that with the ever-changing cultures and ways of doing things, people all over the world define dating, relationships and love differently. It is unfortunate that people with different definitions of love and relationships become a couple and only find themselves confused with the direction in which their relationship is taking. Have you ever wondered why? Let’s talk about some things you need to consider to prevent this problem; I mean some of the things you can do before falling for someone.
1. Define the relationship you are looking for
One of the reasons why some relationships seem like they dont have direction is because they were not defined from the beginning. Sometimes people start and continue dating without defining what they are doing and where they are going. In today’s world there are so many types of relationships. Some value commiment while others are looking for a no strings attached relationship. Some believe in marriage while some dont. Some believe in marriage after dating for a short time while for some, it has to be many years together before they commit. So you see, different ways of defining love and relationships! What does this mean for you, it means looking for a partner should just not be about feelings…it should include a definition and purpose of the relationship. You should find what you are looking for not the opposite. Let’s say you want the relationship to lead to marriage but unknowingly you agreed to be in a relationship with someone who believes the opposite. What then? I know some people might say you try and talk about it but what if it doesn’t work? Prevention is always better than cure, falling in love with someone who defines a relationship differently from you may create problems for you in the future.
Here is what you need know, a relationship needs to be defined in its earliest stages because thats when we are objective, once we are deep in it, its usually difficult to ask those tough questions and define its purpose. It’s a wise thing to take time to talk about what type of relationship both of you want to have and how you both see it looking like short term and long term. It is one way to prevent being stuck with someone with a relationship not going anywhere.
2. Know expectations
While the purpose of relationships speaks more to how your relationship will look like long term, expectations are about what you are looking to draw from the relationship. They are simply about how you want your partner to fulfil your relationship needs. Expectations also differ according to individuals and many things including culture, background and personality contribute to one’s expectations. When people are in a relationship and their expectations are not met, they become frustrated and hesitant to commit. They keep dragging proposing or saying yes to marriage because they are worried about committing to someone who might not meet their expectations for the rest of their lives.
Here is what you can do; When preparing to date it is important to ask yourself the following questions
What are my expectations?
What qualities am i looking for?
What are my deal breakers?
What i can or cannot compromise?
Having answers to these questions helps you to decide who to fall in love with. The same applies when someone is interested in dating you, try to find out their answers to the questions above so that you can determine whether you can compromise to differences posed or you need to leave and find someone compatible.
3. Know the reason behind wanting a relationship
One of the reasons why some relationships feel like they are going nowhere is the reason behind dating in the beginning. Sometimes people get into relationships because of circumstances or situations not because they are ready to date. Some examples include getting into a relationship to deal with pain or to while up time. What usually happens is that during the process, they now fall in love and expext more in terms of commitment. The challenge is that the basis or roots of the relationship might affect the other person’s wilingness to commit because that wasn’t the initial purpose. This may cause the relationship to slow down in terms of moving towards commitment. Some of the conditions that people fall in love under are the following:
Divorce – dating to deal with the pain of divorce
Grief – dating to deal with loss
Life problems – dating to deal with life’s challenges
It is important to note that people get into relationships for different reasons which is why when you go for a date you need to talk about ‘the space you are at the moment’ so you are both on the same page. Sometimes people later want to take the relationship to the level of commitment but the reason why you first started the relationship may make the other person hesitate to commit. Also if you get into a relationship when you are emotionally fragile, you are less likely to make an objective assessment of wether your expectations will be met, this can be problematic in future. Are you emotionally ready to be in a relationship?
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Dr Nyanhaz 